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I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV. 
Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.
OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".
Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....
Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!
Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software.
Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world.
I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right
Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.
I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..
Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.
Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.
You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.
Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.
There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.
Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together. 