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It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime 
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.
We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.
When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.
Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee
Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.
Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes
There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'
If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.
When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie
My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.
A man of few words is a married man.
Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)
It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.
Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.
Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night! 