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“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money. 
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.
Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb
In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?
Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.
Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.
Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.
*at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.
I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times.. 