Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone. 
Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!
Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance
Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.
My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.
I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.
My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.
Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.
You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight! 