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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again 
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.
That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.
Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.
I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
"Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.
"Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.
Harley Davidson should make motorcycles specifically designed for environmentally conscious owners experiencing midlife crisis.
I've got 99 problems and all of them are luftballons. Why oh why do I have so many luftballons?!?! 