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I don’t write to please you. I write to pretend that I write to please you. 
I've fallen! And I can't reach my beer!
Every man is entitled to his opinion but nobody is entitled to his own facts." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan
You know it's over when she starts liking and commenting on some other guy's posts and pics.
I saw 3 people pick up after their dogs this morning. Top of the food chain? .. Yeah right
Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times, and this is the longest eulogy I've ever heard.
things that will never be said #2638: "Boy that Steve Bushemi sure is a good lookin fella"
If you have to air up your car tire more than once a week, life isn't working out like you planned...
to keep things interesting in the bedroom bring an extra laptop
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. What an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot!
No matter what, there will always be dirty thoughts of you floating around in people's heads somewhere.
Nike has to stop it with this "Just do it". First it was Tiger Woods. Then Lance Armstrong. And now Oscar Pistorius.
roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry babe, got nothing for you.
Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.
if the Sequester lasts too long, politicians will have to furlow their hookers...
blocking ex's and their ugly gf's on fb feels so good
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on. 