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Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to. 
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.
I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".
Well, I've come to the conclusion that nobody can tell me how to get to Sesame St. . .
Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
My neighbor OD'd on Viagra. His wife took it really hard
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.:)
I wish these kids would stop crying. I won the Eater egg hunt fair and square.
My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."
"Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas!!!
I'm sorry I pushed you away... things were just going too well for my liking.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I turned on my office light this morning....and boom....the news says North Korea has internet again, I don't think this is a coincidence
Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.
I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN
just avoid love at all costs
You know that friend who says they'll be there for you even if it's 1 am. I am that person only because of insomnia. . .
to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again. 