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Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing. 
On a scale from 1 to Taylor Swift, how successful was your breakup?
I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.
I'm so glad they brought back the McRib for the Holidays...I always wanted an angioplasty for Christmas! ツ
I bet if we got congress high there would be so many solutions and a new budget for Doritos
Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...
every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball
Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.
Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."
why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...
So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.
People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.
Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?
Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!
why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??
if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.
They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?! 