Funny Status Messages

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   I think when someone asks for advice they're really asking "want to start a debate?"

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   when will people understand. "i can't hear you while I'm chewing my doritos!"

   Time for some night time sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".