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Next person that talks politics with me I'm kicking in the crotch. I don't care if they elect a pineapple into office. It's all one big game anyway. 
Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!
: Every day should be 'HUMP DAY'.... but not the Wednesday kind.
I absolutely HATE when people put song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
it me or usually when a man cheats, he downgrades to an uglier woman, but when a woman cheats, she usually upgrades to a hotter and richer man.
I bet most people supporting Hillary Clinton can't even SPELL "Marxist/Socialist" let alone even know what it means ... and why it is bad for America.
So I got a handjob from this Blind woman the other day and she proceeds to tell me I have the biggest shaft she's ever felt. I then told her, "You're pulling my leg!"
I guess all the sinners have been saved, the homeless housed and the hungry fed so now we can focus on protesting the new Starbucks cup!
Don't be a BEN brother, should have been, would have been, could have been, or might have been
So my girl cooked dinner and I fed some to the dog,she asks me what is he doing and I replied I fed him some of your food. She asks me why is he licking his butthole ...I said to get the taste out of his mouth
Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.
thinks it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.
I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This might sound like an a-hole thing for me to say, but I think I could take Muhammad Ali now.
Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.
sent my mom a text asking if she wanted to get pedis today but iPhone auto corrected it to penis...awkward.
Betty white to preform at next yrs Superbowl ...
I dont care one Iota about leaving a better planet for our kids. I think we should be focused on leaving better kids for our planet.....
Tomorrow is the official Electoral College vote. Or as it will be more popularly known: "The Day Hillary Lost The Election For The Third Time." 