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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. 
It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.
I would like to thank Benny Hill for turning me on to British humor and all natural Breast when I was a kid... Still funny and still awesome!!!
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
I'd just like to thank my clothes for taking themselves off in the middle of the night when it's too hot, without even waking me up. Job well done.
i love it when some little 8 year-old is cursing and yelling at me on call of duty and then his mom is in the backgorund telling him to go to bed.
relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....
I feel like X and Z are the cool letters sitting in the back of the alphabet, only showing up in words they like.
The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.
she should win a prize for making it through the whole week without stabbing someone with a fork!
Sweet and sour chicken; how can it be both? Come on...let's get real, China.
IF I cared, I'd draw you a map of your ass with an X marking the spot where your head is buried."
It's 11/1/11 11:11:11 P.M.
My other facebook wall has a scenic view.
Don't you hate when people know your are lying, and they know that you know that they know you are lying, but still nobody says anything......lol so #awkward
uh oh... it's Saturday night and I just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good...
That McRib is McNasty
Just my luck...I got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs in shapes of pot leaves.
thinks it's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.
Virgins... Thanks for nothing... 