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If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster. 
Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Note to self......Don't chest bump the elderly.....not a good thing.....trust me on this one...
Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.
Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
When my wife looks at me she still thinks "I'd hit that", but she is thinking about my face, not my body.
99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I can't find my "Where's Waldo" book. Looks like he's won before we even started.
When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.
They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.
while seeking revenge dig 2 graves.....................one for yourself
Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.
"Careful with fire" is good advice we know. "Careful with words" is ten times doubly so
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.
n't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving? 