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If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts. 
I know your in a relationship and I know your with them 24/7, I don't need updates on it reminding me you have a partner and where your at!
You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is we'll find it
Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples
Coffee, Chocolate and Men...some things are just better rich
Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs, never believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.
Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.
thinking that Jeffrey Dahmer is the only person whose bologna really did have a first name.....
Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.
wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?
If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!
Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
"A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"
Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
if Kanye did become president, the first lady will be. . . let that sit in
Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers
Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.
Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning. 