Funny Status Messages

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   Mike Hunt is hot

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Mike Hunt smells like fish

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.