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Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. 
Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.
It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.
Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.
Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.
When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.
4 out of 3 people struggle with math
People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.
Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...
When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.
What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places." 