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Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere. 
30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...
What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
Don't eat the green snow!!!
Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.
Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.
When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.
4 out of 3 people struggle with math
People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.
Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...
When I was a kid, my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had ANYTHING to play with.
What I like about dogs is you can lock them in the basement over night. And in the morning their glad to see you. Your wife on the other isn't.
"Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?
I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.
Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease
Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.
Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.
Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent. 