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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets. 
It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it
I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat
If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..
You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???
Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!” 