Funny Status Messages

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”