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When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done! 
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Ladies, if he calls you crazy don't react to it by acting all crazy..
I've come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Sometimes when I see an airplane passing over I just wish I were on it and didn't care where it was going.
October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.
"What the h*ll is wrong with you, if I wanted a loser I would have married Tony Romo" ~ Giselle to Tom probably
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
You can think before you speak if you want to. I prefer to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"
I'm not trying to brag but when I get naked and climb in the bathtub, the shower gets turned on.
If you're offended by someone else's tweet, they aren't insensitive, you're just a p*ssy.
I'll believe in climate change when Texas freezes over!
GOP= Greed Over People
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!
I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
If its okay for girls to wear sweatpants written JUICY on the back, then it should be okay for me to have MEATY written on the front of mine.
Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."
I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.
I'll bet your Facebook relationship status would be a lot less complicated if you let him stick it in your ass. 