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I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me... 
Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.
I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital
The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.
Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves
Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.
Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.
Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”
Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.
USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated
I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...
My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.
a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!
Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn. 