Funny Status Messages

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   Hey West Coast, it's the East Coast. We checked it out for you, and today isn't worth getting up for. Go ahead and sleep in.

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

   All my years of education have boiled down to this… May I take your order?

   I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled, It used to be a leopard

   Dear long weekend: you are cordially invited to show up early for beer, good food, fun with friends and sleeping late. Please RSVP!

   When Life Hands You: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Fumaratem, Yellow #5, Natural and Artificial Flavours.....Make Lemonade!

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.