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I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 
thought he had Swine Flu....it turns out he was just really bored
"sniffing glue, going to the zoo, gonna free all the kangaroos. Suck it Dr. Seuss!"
fresh out of witty sarcasm
Beer $10. Weed $20. Condoms. $2.75. Finding out she swallows & has no gag reflex....Priceless!!!! F*** MasterCard, it pays to Discover
Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.
How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!
I woke up the other night and my entire body was soaked in urine... I was really pissed.
i wonder if Rebecca Black was singing Friday while she was getting boinked.
America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!
on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!
the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??
gathering Kardashians to throw at you.
Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. We are but little specks !
Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."
I buy an ipad and steve jobs dies, I buy a blackberry and bbm dies. I have just bought Justin Bieber's album... Fingers crossed
its beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Ladies: If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't
You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.
Why name hurricane gay names, like Sandy? How about Hurricane Death Megatron 300 And I guarantee people will be evacuating like they need to. 