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Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr.... 
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.
Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.
Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+
The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........
"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."
I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.
wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?
Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.
I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
my anger management class pisses me off..
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."
No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off. 