Funny Status Messages

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Hangry ~ A state of anger caused by lack of food.

   Tried to spoon a tall girl once and felt like a backpack.

   It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog