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You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back 
now officaly talking to Himself but somehow I hear a busy signal in my ears. I wonder if I can get Call Waiting????? Wait.... maybe it's better I don't answer myself...
I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?
I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.
The Falcons won the popular Vote!
Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.
Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?
I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."
Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.
If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.
Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have
The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"
All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??
My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...
Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.
Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred. 