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pities the fool 
"If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...
I tried to play uno with my mexican friend's but they kept stealing the green cards
i got pulled over tonight and the officer asked if i'd been drinking. I replied "why do I have a fat chic in the car"?
Happy Fathers Day, mom!!! :D
Tomorrow I am going to dig up and open the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. Cannot wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!
Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.
can't believe its not butter!
Now THAT's change I can believe in......
Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...
the next time terrorism happens because the image of Mohammed is shown, I swear everyone on Facebook should post that same image of Mohammed. Can't stop us all!
Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.
Twinkle, twinkle little star, show me to the nearest bar, down the street and to the right, I'll be there...all damn night!!
What did the black duck say to the white duck? What up quacker?
A Jehova Witness tried to tell me a "Knock Knock" joke, but got all mad cause I didn't answer him.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...
Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.
giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to ted kennedy
BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord. 