Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning. 
A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.
I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment
I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.
Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails
My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars.....
The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once
A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.
Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...
I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh
I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.
Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.
When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy? 