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if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ? 
I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!
Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.
Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?
I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.
I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.
"Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.
Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water
Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.
When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.
Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.
Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.
In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras
Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.
This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.
insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some 