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My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My Housemaid thought it was a weighing scale. Conclusion: My Housemaid weighs 750 dollars..... 
The most effective way to remember your GF's birthday is to forget it once
A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.
Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...
I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh
Thought I had a Political Update: "But alas"' it ended up being gas
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand that includes a threat of vandalism.
Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.
Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.
Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.
NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...
I'm excited for this season's finale of America
You think you're having a bad day, you could be a Siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and you're the only one with an ass.
Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.
My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!
We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time
Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?
It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet. 