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“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts. 
If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.
Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong
Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again
Lets behonest.. Apart from "I love you" and "I miss you" which other jokes do you know? ??
My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.
I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.
I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment
I don't get women. My wife said she bought this lingerie for me, but then got boiling angry when I put it on.
Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails 