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It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse. 
An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.
my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.
One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.
Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...
The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.
Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.
"Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.
I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points. 