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finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism. 
If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.
Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.
When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."
If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."
They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.
Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....
I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!
The young receptionist asked me who Van Halen is, so now I need to throw her down a flight of stairs.
What we've learned from this election, is that if you go black, you can indeed go back.
Everyone done going turkey hunting in the frozen section ?
Got up early and had 3 eggs bacon fried potatoes coffee, now i'm ready to go back to bed ....
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me. 