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interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person 
I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?
It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!
If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"
Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.
You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess
if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames 