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Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful. 
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
Acupuncture ~ proving that stabbing someone can make things better.
Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”
Just because it’s a bad idea does not mean it won’t be a good time.
Her: Is your stomach flat? Him: Yeah, just the “L” is silent.
Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.
Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄
Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.
A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.
You wanna listen to some Pop Country, or would you rather go to China and lick some doorknobs?
The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.
Re-reading my own post every time someone likes it. “Ah yes, quality content.”
Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.
When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.
Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.
Mike Hunt is sweaty
Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.
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