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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache. 
Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!
Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?
English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management
Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.
Please everyone..don't forget to let everyone know when you take a crap. Facebook wants us to know EVERYTHING about each other :/
My life is not a failure. I am just compiling a comprehensive list of things that did not work as planned.
to the ppl thinknig facebook is really charging...send your payments to: (my name), Po box...
Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.
The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.
Nobody ever pays me in gum ( -_-)
A friend of mine was wounded in combat. He sprained his ankle when he tripped over a table during a bar fight.
I was working and suddenly I am on Facebook. 