Funny Status Messages

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.