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Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none 
Words of wisdom: Just be yourself, everyone else is taken.
When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.
You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone
Now that KFC has dropped the phrase "Finger licking good" maybe Doritos could use it.
did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?
a stranger in a strange land. And that land is Denny's at 3am on a weekend.
I wish they would make hold music for cell phones
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking
Dude... I just walked outside and my air conditioner flipped me the finger!
Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.
You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..
I'm going back to the social network I enjoyed as a kid. It was called "outside".
Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?
There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding". A little knowledge behind every "I don't know". A little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "it's okay"...
I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."
it just me, or are the people who claim they hate drama actually the most dramatic people I know?
Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.
Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'
people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!! 