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Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings... 
No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .
I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.
She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious
My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
"No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!
They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.
> Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn
"Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.
Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.
Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.
Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.
If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?
I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window. 