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Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush. 
'Saint West' sounds like the name of the Patron Saint of big butts & narcissistic rappers.
The "Reply All" button should be password protected...and you should have to answer a simple math question...and be required to name the Vice President. There...THAT should solve THAT problem.
Very impressed with the quick action and massive protests by Black Lives Matter in Chicago this weekend protesting the death of 15 young Blacks so far in July. HAHA ... Just kidding .... They don't really care about black deaths in Chicago.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod..
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.
Cats always have that look on their face like you just asked if they would help you move next weekend
Black cats, ladders, broken mirrors, guys named Jason. I hate Friday the 13th.
in the shower this morning, I noticed that one of my nipples was a different color than the other two....is that normal?
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword.
If you don't read my status, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't read my status?
I dressed up as a gynecologist for halloween. I was Dr. Howie Feltercooch
riding the ponies outside of Wallmart be back when I run out of quarters.
We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight,he's going to see the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse!
thinking about an Apple sporting goods store: iBalls
Every time someone takes me off their Facebook friend list an angel looses its wings.
New Year, New Beginnings, New Me, New Attitude, New Bullsht............watch out I'm New and Improved......
I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.
Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week? 