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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers. 
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.
*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...
I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I'm so glad the elections are over and we can put all that stress behind us and move on to being stessed about the holidays.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.
sometimes when cartoons are playing other cartoons’ skeletons like a xylophone, the same rib makes two different sounds
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit Me: new boat The wife: lower sky
Do men ever make a Honey-Do list for their wives? Write a bunch of things for her to do on a piece of paper, hand it to her and say "Here, get this stuff done." Let me know how that works out for you.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner. Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.
I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.
I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space... 