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Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong.
It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego. 
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...
It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee
Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...
Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"
I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.
The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job
*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.
What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?
interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.
Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide. 