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The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment... 
Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!
just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else !!
Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.
girls status ((i prayed for someone like you; and I thank God, that I finally found you)) next day guys are asshols
sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins
April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."
Excuse me, teenage girl? You're not"cool and outspoken" when you go up to random people and say things like,"I hate your haircut," or "Your style is bad," You're a b!tch who deliberately hurts people's feelings in an attempt to get attention.
MILF...Man I Love Fries.
Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.
My wife is a psycho, this p0st isn't a joke its a cry for help.
had a handle on life but it broke
The Brits are gonna be pissed, we just out did the Royal Wedding!
If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?
well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .
9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.
I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late. 