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HA .... The US Attorney General Lynch aka "America's Chief Law Enforcement Officer" ..... Is Pleading the Fifth to avoid disclosing information that may incriminate her ..... Just think about that one for a moment!!! 
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.
OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...
This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.
You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.
WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!
And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.
To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.
HAPPY NEW BEER!!!
Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...
It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.
How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever.
lookin at the cost of medical insureance is making me sick in itself...
FACT: Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.
I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet
Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't. 