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Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal 
It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually
[costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.
I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.
I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy
Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.
The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.
"I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.
Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.
You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.
I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.
Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.
My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks. 