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Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking. 
I have decided to stop paying my psychiatrist. I can post my problems on Facebook, and have all my friends help me for free!
OMG I'm so happy! I finally won one of the 350 PS4's that were being given away. I also won one of Dodge Chargers that couldn't be sold and were being given away to random people, and my Dream RV is on its way all for pushing "like" and "share".
Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.
Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.
We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.
Might not be a master of romance. But I do know ladies enjoy it when I sing Obsession by Animotion while I'm hiding in their closet.
Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.
"Ladies we have no interest in how nice you dress or what your bodies look like, ..... We are only interested in your Brains" ......... Sincerely Yours .... Zombies
If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.
Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.
The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.
I love the summer because I love how my ass and thighs form an irreparable bond with the car's scorching hot leather seat
If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.
I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.
In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.
FYI the security at Target gets a little huffy if you bring your own custom-made cart.
True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.
One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.
I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings. 