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I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time. 
I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.
I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy
Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.
The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.
"I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.
Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.
You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.
I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.
Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.
My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks.
The "Map My Run" Facebook posts are a great way to track how far you went to brag about exercise or show your exercise running from the police.
I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.
Humans are strange. We have all the answers to our own problems. If only someone else would do it.
Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.
It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.
Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom. 