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Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose 
Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!
Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.
I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.
Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?
How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport
Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.
If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal
It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually
[costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard 