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I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce 
The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.
How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.
In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan
I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.
if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?
Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks
After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.
The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.
I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.
ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together
Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"
Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.
Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.
I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.
Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence
My inner self is in Photoshop
I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.
NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..
If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀 