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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question. 
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.
Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind
I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.
My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.
Five bucks says I'm totally broke.
"No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.
you move on because theres nothing else you can do 