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With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened. 
If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.
Coworker: Good morning!
Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.
[on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any
Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!
Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.
Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.
Former 3rd world countries are perfect for hipsters. So many abandoned buildings to turn into cafes.
Never seen a pair of high heels hanging over a telephone wire. Always sneakers. Someone get on that.
The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie.
I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.
I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....
Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it. 