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If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport. 
Coworker: Good morning!
Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.
[on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
"Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any
Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!
Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.
I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕
Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.
She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."
What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.
I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows
Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die. 