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Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering. 
If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.
I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.
I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many
Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!
This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
"Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"
Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?
You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face
Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.
I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky
Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...
it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me
genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish 