Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon F the constitution!
←Rate | 10-22-2019 22:56 by TrumpSupporter Comments (1)  

   messageicon How's the "lynching" going? lol
←Rate | 10-22-2019 22:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 21:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 18:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!
←Rate | 10-22-2019 14:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
←Rate | 10-22-2019 14:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Backstreet Boys voice* Am I acceptable?
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's it called when no one can dance but everyone dances? A good wedding reception
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon You think this world is crazy now,Imagine how confusing it would be if Ms. Pac-Man didn't like hair bows.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:18 Comments (0)  

←Rate | 10-22-2019 10:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government. 1. You must be old. Really above 75 years old. 2.The older you're, the higher your chances. 3. Death is an added advantage.
←Rate | 10-21-2019 16:09 Comments (0)  

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